Bitchy Behaviour Your Boyfriend Secretly Loves

Ditch the cobwebby notions that ‘bitch’ is a bad word and stow away that ‘nice girl’ attitude.  Your bitchy blueprint awaits:

Have opinions
The nice girl will completely agree with her boyfriend on everything from same-sex marriage rights, to who should win Big Brother. YAWN! A bitch knows her guy wouldn’t break it off just because they have differing opinions on who was the best Batman (although if he says Kilmer, you’re better off without him). If he wants to stay in again and you want to go out… the bitch would go! You won’t believe how quickly he’ll throw his party clothes on next time knowing the consequence is being left out of a good time.

Implement a zero tolerance policy
Men can’t help it, they are hardwired to push the limits. Your guy needs to know where you draw the line, so make it clear: Bitches expect timely calls and texts, and not at 2am. Bitches will not be ignored all night at the bar and still share a cab home. Bitches never tolerate guys disrespecting them in public or private, and any violation of said terms means immediate breakup. Just #kanyeshrug and on to the next!

Pencil him in
A bitch’s life is absolutely jam-packed with work, friends, family, her co-ed recreational dodge ball league, hot yoga, and weeknight competitive pub trivia. It’s a delicate scheduling balance that has taken much coordination and trial & error (see: the disastrous hip-hop pole-dancing experiment of ’09). Of course when you meet a new guy you will be tempted to make yourself as available as possible, but resist the urge and channel that inner bitch! If he wants to see you, he can work around your schedule, not vice-versa. Set the tone right away and let him know that your priorities lie with the people a commitments who have been in your life for longer than a couple of weeks.

What do YOU like?
So, your guy is full of unsolicited opinions on your outfits, your hair, and your makeup. Well, unless he is a clothing designer, professional hair stylist or makeup artist, thank him for his input and do exactly what a bitch would: Do not change a thing. He is testing your limits to see how far you will go to please him. So what if he prefers long hair and can’t stand your nose ring. If your Pink-inspired platinum pixie and diamond nose stud make you feel sexy and confident, that’s all that matters.

A little ‘bitchy’ behaviour can do a world of good. Not saying that being bitchy gives you license to be rude or hurtful, but ‘bitches’ always demand respect – and they get it.

(a version of this article was originally published on 29secrets.com)

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Things No One Tells You About Moving In Together

Surprisingly few people will tell you the truth about living with a guy.  If your own closest friends and family haven’t weighed in on the shacking up debate, here are some important considerations for your pro-con list:

1. You’ll get fat.

Truer words have never been sung than those of the Barenaked Ladies: ‘She’s like a baby, I’m like a cat; When we are happy, we both get fat.’ Who wants to leave the new apartment to go to the gym, or buy groceries? Sure, carrying his disgusting futon to the curb will burn a few calories, as will the ensuing celebration on the new queen-size Posturepedic, but beware: Too much time on the couch + too much ordering in is a dangerous combination for your favourite jeans and your self esteem.

Also beware the boyfriend who wants to show off his Top Chef skills every night; You can guarantee double the serving-size you’re used to. Even if it’s the best quality locally sourced fare, eating the same portion as your man and you’ll find your waistline inching closer to his as well.

2. You’ll become incapable of operating a television remote control and spend more on cable than your previous year’s beauty budget.

NASA control panels are surely easier to manoeuvre than the intricate electronic system requirements for a big-screen TV, receiver, surround-sound tweeters and woofers, a Blu-ray player and a PVR. Pity the girlfriend whose guy is an IT wizard, adding a hard drive to all of the above is the stuff of nightmares.

Try not to focus on the days when you had your own place, with one simple remote, and 30 manageable channels. This will only interfere with your ability to concentrate while he explains for the hundredth time the elaborate sequence of commands that will give you sound + picture.

PS Never dwell on the fact that you pay for 600 channels and only ever watch the eight that are in High Definition.

3. You’ll be begging him to have a guy’s night out just so you can stay home and tweeze.

Those glorious non-date nights spent with your depilatory cream, pore magnifying mirror, deep-conditioning hair masques, tweezers and zit spot treatment are going to be few and far between now that you live together. Expect to get creative with your reasons to stay home from (insert social event here) unless you want to expose your guy to your warts and spots right away. Too-frequent sick days for home spa sessions might cause alarm at your workplace, so try to score an hour here or there when your guy won’t be knocking on the bathroom door wondering whether you’ve drowned in there.

There will be products in your shared bathroom cabinet that he may never have seen before, so try to ease him into it. Example: Wrinkle-fighting serums are fine out in the open, but maybe keep the facial hair bleaching creme in a special place. Of course he thinks you are beautiful no matter what, but you’re still entitled to keep your personal rituals personal.

4. You’ll become an odour-elimination specialist.

Assuming your love nest is average size, you will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to make it smell good. You’ll wonder ‘How can two such well put-together people can create such an embarrassing odour?’ Whether it’s the hovering stench of last week’s garlic wings, or the whiff of sweaty sneakers from that clever shoe organizer hanging by the door, or the ripe hockey equipment being stored under the dining room table because it’s -40 degrees Celsius on the balcony…

As never before you will come to appreciate the features and benefits, strengths and limitations, of every single air freshener, smelly candle, plug-in, scented disk, scented oil, and fabric refresher spray on the market. It’s either that or never have any guests over. Ever.

5. You’ll learn the hard way that love really = compromise.

Whether you were an only child or one of a dozen, you will learn more about give-and-take than you ever could during sexy sleepovers, road trips or exotic vacations together. Expect exchanges such as ‘How was I supposed to know that was the last of the special birthday chocolates your cousin sent from France?!’ or ‘If my NHL duvet cover goes, so do your Anne Geddes posters!’

Bottom line: Co-habitation will either bring you closer together, or bring you to the speedy realization that this not the guy you want to share a toothpaste tube with for life.

 

(a version of this article was originally published on 29secrets.com)

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