To take our minds of our beard burns, we rated these seven facial hair styles on the date-ability scale, factoring in: trim time, ironic edge, age, and ego of the wearer. Certain outliers were excluded, ie., Brad Pitt broke the scale as the celeb to have sported the most diverse facial hair styles and to have looked really hot in every single one.
But bearing in mind that Brad’s taken (for now, Angie!), here are our top seven facial hair styles from worst to best:
7. The Chinstrap: Beware: this guy definitely waxes his chest and manicures his nether regions into shapes and symbols. There is a reason why this is the go-to facial hair preference of Jersey Shore-residing guidos with crazy blowouts and musical parodies.
See Chris Daughtry and SNL’s Andy Samberg/Justin Timberlake R&B duet “D*ck In A Box”.
6. The Soul Patch: Generally worn by aging rockers, usually indicates a desperate grasping at hipness and obsession with sexual virility. This guy is trying way too hard to let you know that he was very sexy in the 1990’s, and will swerve around that tiny patch of hair with a razor every day to prove it.
See Bruce Springsteen, Billy Ray Cyrus, Kevin Costner, Billy Bob Thornton.
5. The Full Lumberjack: This guy wants you to know that he eats metrosexuals for breakfast. This look is ultra manly and can be very attractive when groomed and trimmed à la Jake Gyllenhaal or George Clooney. If however, the beard creeps down into the neck and is left to grow up towards the ears in a wild, haphazard fashion, be aware that this lumberjack has stopped caring altogether, and is probably crazy.
See Zach Galifianakis and Joaquin Phoenix circa 2009.
4. The Goatee: Take this guy seriously. Please. Seriously. I’m serious you guys. Popular with round, babyfaced men because it elongates and defines a weak jaw, therefore (allegedly) giving off a more masculine vibe. See Kanye West, Kenny Powers.
*Honourable mention to John Stewart’s short-lived salt & pepper masterpiece, which was perfect for the mature gentleman looking to spice up his clean-shaven reputation.
3. Clean-shaven: For the guy who likes to stick to the norm. Maybe he’s afraid his beard might have uneven color, or that it won’t grow in decently thick. Nothing wrong with following the confident bare-cheeked examples of Chris Pratt and Ben Affleck who both embrace the smooth face to great effect. Showing off a few measly chin whiskers is gross – we’re looking at you Zach Ephron, Keanu and uhg, Justin Bieber.
2. The Scruff: This guy clearly has more important things to do than shave every day – like fighting off hordes of attractive women and having lots of hot, sexy sex. Need we say more?
See Jon Hamm, Mark Ruffalo, Jason Statham, Colin Farrell, Russell Brand.
1. The Mustache: This look has gone mainstream like it’s 1985 and Magnum PI’s back on primetime. If a man in your life with the beginnings of a Hulkster handlebar hits you up for a few sponsorship dollars, who can resist a big-hearted philanthropist?
Verdict: A mustache-wearing man is fun and a fundraiser, so get ready for 30 days of nose-tickling kisses and weird rashes for a great cause! It will all be over soon.
Visit http://ca.movember.com/ for more information.
(A version of this story was originally posted at http://www.29secrets.com/beauty/what-his-facial-hair-says-about-him#sthash.nMYhAtbP.dpuf)